Many of you have inquired about the sibling relationship here. I now feel more equipped to speak to this, being almost two months into our new normal.
Let's see...how can I put this...
I suppose, in the beginning, I could have likened it to having a cute little alien land in your home. Does that sound awful?? Okay, okay, of course I'm kidding, and I hope you can see the humor in it. The excitement for their new brother's arrival had obviously been mounting over the months. So, when the reality came, and Madi and Charlie realized their brother didn't speak their language at all, I think it shocked them a little bit! Understandably so. For more than a few weeks, we had to remind our children (and ourselves) to think about how Joseph must feel. At least we all speak the same language. He must have felt like he'd arrived in the alien spaceship!
The bonding has been slow and steady for these siblings, which we believe will be meaningful and lasting. I mean, it makes sense, doesn't it? Had the kids been able to travel with us to China, they would've benefited from that instant bonding, but that just wasn't an option this time around for several reasons. Madi and Charlie met their brother on Facetime, and that obviously wasn't the same, and let's be honest about it...love takes time. The joyous news is that every single day brings geniune bonding for these three.
In the first month, we really tried to give the two brothers lots of one-on-one time to get to know each other better. And little Miss's schedule was so hectic, that it was really conducive to their bonding time. Surprisingly, there wasn't much jealousy on Charlie's part; although, when we came home, he did seem resentful about the fact that his parents left him for two weeks. He's been really good about sharing and very rarely gets totally upset about something. When he does, we find it's usually a misunderstanding or a communication issue. Charlie spends lots of time telling me, "He finks..." and explains a possible scenario of what he *thinks* Joseph is telling him. One morning, after only a week or so home, the boys were playing Legos at the dining room table and we heard Joseph ramble off a bunch of things in Chinese. Charlie responded with, "I already know that, Xiao Xiao!" As if he knew what was actually said! Cracked us up.
Joseph, in the beginning, would call his brother "Char-liah." Now he runs around mostly shouting, "Cha Cha" over and over. Charlie still calls his brother "Xiao Xiao." Not sure when he'll make the transition to Joseph, if ever. Maybe once his brother is in school. Charlie and Joseph have become so close. It's very special, and heartwarming, to see their relationship flourish. Yes, they still have flare-ups and arguments, but they are brothers. The other night, Madi and I went out to dinner with friends, and Jimmy had the boys at home. They both fell asleep at his side while he watched a race. Jimmy put Charlie in his bed first. When he put Joseph in his bed, he woke up saying, "Char-liah, Char-liah." Once Daddy pointed out that his little brother had already been tucked in his bed, Joseph went right back to sleep.
Their relationship has been more of a blessing than we ever possibly imagined, and they are pulling special qualities out of each other. Before Joseph came home, Charlie could've been easily considered a "couch potato." As parents, we take responsibility for the fact that he adored being "plugged in." Not anymore. These two boys love to play together more than anything else. They are constantly outside digging in the dirt, or playing on the swings, or building Lego sets. Yes, the television and ipads still surface sometimes, but much less frequently than they used to. And as a result, our Charlie has been a more social person. He's more talkative, more outgoing, and definitely more active having a built-in playmate to enjoy his time with. Joseph, who in the beginning would run from Charlie if he even looked dirty, is now right there beside him digging in the dirt and gets himself completely filthy. And he enjoys every minute of it.
The bonding has been slow and steady for these siblings, which we believe will be meaningful and lasting. I mean, it makes sense, doesn't it? Had the kids been able to travel with us to China, they would've benefited from that instant bonding, but that just wasn't an option this time around for several reasons. Madi and Charlie met their brother on Facetime, and that obviously wasn't the same, and let's be honest about it...love takes time. The joyous news is that every single day brings geniune bonding for these three.
In the first month, we really tried to give the two brothers lots of one-on-one time to get to know each other better. And little Miss's schedule was so hectic, that it was really conducive to their bonding time. Surprisingly, there wasn't much jealousy on Charlie's part; although, when we came home, he did seem resentful about the fact that his parents left him for two weeks. He's been really good about sharing and very rarely gets totally upset about something. When he does, we find it's usually a misunderstanding or a communication issue. Charlie spends lots of time telling me, "He finks..." and explains a possible scenario of what he *thinks* Joseph is telling him. One morning, after only a week or so home, the boys were playing Legos at the dining room table and we heard Joseph ramble off a bunch of things in Chinese. Charlie responded with, "I already know that, Xiao Xiao!" As if he knew what was actually said! Cracked us up.
Joseph, in the beginning, would call his brother "Char-liah." Now he runs around mostly shouting, "Cha Cha" over and over. Charlie still calls his brother "Xiao Xiao." Not sure when he'll make the transition to Joseph, if ever. Maybe once his brother is in school. Charlie and Joseph have become so close. It's very special, and heartwarming, to see their relationship flourish. Yes, they still have flare-ups and arguments, but they are brothers. The other night, Madi and I went out to dinner with friends, and Jimmy had the boys at home. They both fell asleep at his side while he watched a race. Jimmy put Charlie in his bed first. When he put Joseph in his bed, he woke up saying, "Char-liah, Char-liah." Once Daddy pointed out that his little brother had already been tucked in his bed, Joseph went right back to sleep.
Their relationship has been more of a blessing than we ever possibly imagined, and they are pulling special qualities out of each other. Before Joseph came home, Charlie could've been easily considered a "couch potato." As parents, we take responsibility for the fact that he adored being "plugged in." Not anymore. These two boys love to play together more than anything else. They are constantly outside digging in the dirt, or playing on the swings, or building Lego sets. Yes, the television and ipads still surface sometimes, but much less frequently than they used to. And as a result, our Charlie has been a more social person. He's more talkative, more outgoing, and definitely more active having a built-in playmate to enjoy his time with. Joseph, who in the beginning would run from Charlie if he even looked dirty, is now right there beside him digging in the dirt and gets himself completely filthy. And he enjoys every minute of it.
Madi's adjustment has been a bit different. Joseph adored her from the start. Afterall, she was the one who paid him a ton of attention on Facetime while we were in China. When we arrived home, he followed her everywhere. And she felt some pressure...so much so that she requested a lock on her bedroom door! She didn't want to hurt his feelings, yet she feel bothered by it. We relieved her concerns that his obsession would wane in time, and it has. She has since become more compassionate; however, there is another issue in play between these two siblings, and it is called control.
Joseph is very strong-willed, and so is his big sister. It drives her
crazy that sometimes he won't listen to her like Charlie does! Madi loves to play with the boys on her terms. They adore when their big sister comes out and announces that she needs them for something. They follow her like puppies. And what she gets them to do just cracks us up...dance routines, baton twirling, puppet shows. They are into it whatever it is she has in mind!
This adoption has been such an important lesson in compassion...for all of us. It is easy to become frustrated when Joseph cries for reasons we cannot understand, or when he acts out and does things that his siblings simply can't fathom. We are still learning how to better understand Joseph's needs, and we have to remind ourselves how frustrated he must feel at times. There are many teachable moments, in this transition, when we have to ask ourselves, "What would Jesus do?" That always seems to put things in perspective, and gets us back on track. The answer is simple...just be patient and love him through it.
Has it been all sunshine and flowers? Of course not. I'm not saying it's perfect; I don't know what sibling relationship is. But I can say that this wonderful journey has been so worth it, and I am so glad that Jimmy and I listened to the Holy Spirit's whisperings again. Or we would've missed this...
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And this...
And so much more.
Praise the Lord. We are blessed...so blessed.
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